This hits home. I've been taking care of my father for years. He has dementia, COPD, and a bunch of other issues. In a lot of ways it's like the pandemic never ended for us. I barely leave the house other than for trips to the grocery store and doctor's visits. It's brutal.
Sadly, I'm also recognizing that as a man pushing 50, I'm not very good at asking for help. I don't. I'm also not good at maintaining strong social ties. Both of these are things I hope to get better at. It sounds so easy, but I struggle with both. Especially while managing the ups and downs of my mental health and taking care of my father.
That said, I'm very grateful that none of this triggered a relapse of my drinking. That would not be good. For the most part, I use meditation and exercise to hold myself together.
Sharing this doesn't excite me, but maybe there are other caregivers out there that feel the same way. And for those of you with children, please plan for how you're going to handle your late life care.
theGnuMe 11 minutes ago [-]
That does truly does suck. There may be some resources available from your local county under Medicaid/medicare, hopefully respite care and paid nursing if you can’t get your dad into assisted living or don’t want to do so.
neilv 3 minutes ago [-]
Not to diminish or confuse the challenges of caregiving, but most of this is also be generally good advice (if not complete) for someone burning themselves out at a very demanding job, startup, school, etc.
Most of it is also good advice in general.
Maybe something significant about saying it to a particular group like this is to both remind of general good advice, and to clarify that, even though it seems you're in an exceptional situation, the good advice still applies or may be more important now than baseline?
ixtli 17 minutes ago [-]
I have been taking care of my partner suffering a chronic illness for 2-3 years now and it is phenomenal that this on the top of HN. I've had to figure out a lot of this for myself having made many mistakes and I still just learned about Respite Care. Thanks OP :)
taylorbuley 12 minutes ago [-]
Taking care of yourself means authentic emotional expression and it's crucial to health, as it reduces this internalized stress, helping to maintain both mental and physical well-being.
In The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté argues that suppressing emotions, particularly anger, can weaken the immune system and lead to chronic illness, including conditions like multiple sclerosis (MS).
Maté explains that repressing anger -- e.g. due to societal or familial pressure to avoid conflict or "be nice" -- creates internal stress, which over time harms the body’s immune response. This chronic stress actually triggers autoimmune disorders, as the immune system starts to attack the body itself.
throw18376 11 minutes ago [-]
sometimes the obvious advice is the most important to hear. thanks for posting.
unfortunately the nature of some health problems that require a caregiver, makes both the sufferer and caregiver into social pariahs. in that case asking for help is unlikely to work well. but even in such cases the other advice is very sound.
30 minutes ago [-]
rectang 8 minutes ago [-]
There's another option: abandon your responsibilities. Modern capitalism demands that you spend your time competing, and lots of people are not able to keep up. Return to natural state of leaving behind the infirm to die.
techsolomon 12 minutes ago [-]
Thank you for posting this. <3
VWWHFSfQ 35 minutes ago [-]
> 4. Be gentle with yourself
> It’s common to experience a wide range of emotions as a caregiver. You might feel frustrated, sad, resentful, joyful—all in the same day or even in the same hour! These feelings are a normal part of the caregiving experience, and it’s okay to express them.
I think this one is the most important and it extends to everyone, not just people in a caregiving role.
Be able to forgive yourself. Past mistakes, things you said, or did, or didn't do. All the the showerthoughts that make you cringe up. Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive.
olyjohn 15 minutes ago [-]
It's especially true if you're taking care of a dying my family member. They will pass and then suddenly you have time to remember all the things you did wrong, or said out of exhaustion and frustration, and you won't be able to apologize. Truth is none of those things matter. What matters most is you did the best you can for them and that you were just there for them.
Rendered at 21:33:09 GMT+0000 (Coordinated Universal Time) with Vercel.
Sadly, I'm also recognizing that as a man pushing 50, I'm not very good at asking for help. I don't. I'm also not good at maintaining strong social ties. Both of these are things I hope to get better at. It sounds so easy, but I struggle with both. Especially while managing the ups and downs of my mental health and taking care of my father.
That said, I'm very grateful that none of this triggered a relapse of my drinking. That would not be good. For the most part, I use meditation and exercise to hold myself together.
Sharing this doesn't excite me, but maybe there are other caregivers out there that feel the same way. And for those of you with children, please plan for how you're going to handle your late life care.
Most of it is also good advice in general.
Maybe something significant about saying it to a particular group like this is to both remind of general good advice, and to clarify that, even though it seems you're in an exceptional situation, the good advice still applies or may be more important now than baseline?
In The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté argues that suppressing emotions, particularly anger, can weaken the immune system and lead to chronic illness, including conditions like multiple sclerosis (MS).
Maté explains that repressing anger -- e.g. due to societal or familial pressure to avoid conflict or "be nice" -- creates internal stress, which over time harms the body’s immune response. This chronic stress actually triggers autoimmune disorders, as the immune system starts to attack the body itself.
unfortunately the nature of some health problems that require a caregiver, makes both the sufferer and caregiver into social pariahs. in that case asking for help is unlikely to work well. but even in such cases the other advice is very sound.
> It’s common to experience a wide range of emotions as a caregiver. You might feel frustrated, sad, resentful, joyful—all in the same day or even in the same hour! These feelings are a normal part of the caregiving experience, and it’s okay to express them.
I think this one is the most important and it extends to everyone, not just people in a caregiving role.
Be able to forgive yourself. Past mistakes, things you said, or did, or didn't do. All the the showerthoughts that make you cringe up. Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive.